The Men I Have Loved

Mr. “You Don’t Have to Try”

Lately I have been stuck on one line in John Legend’s song “You & I”:
You keep wondering if you’re what I’m wanting,
You don’t even have to try.

There is a certain confidence and security that comes with knowing you don’t have to try. It is not permission to be lazy in the relationship, but it offers one the freedom to just be, as you are, with no pretense and no repeated contemplation of how someone sees you. Your curves are celebrated, your feistiness is welcomed, and your beauty is treasured, flaws and all. Either through a simple phrase or a passing look, you know that you’re more than good enough. You don’t have to try. And you love him for it.

Mr. Shades of Grey

Grey like the color, not like the character in that book. I had a very linear, black and white view of the world before I met this man. However, he introduced me to the many shades of grey. The spectrum of his personality was both fascinating and confusing. I learned that the differences did not make him ‘fake’ or inauthentic, but multi-faceted. Accepting his differences helped me to embrace my own complexities. And I loved him for it.

I almost talked myself out of writing this post because I couldn’t think of anything substantive and exclusive to black men. Sure I love the silent head nod y’all give, your ability to make a baseball cap look sexy, the creativity of your compliments, and your appreciation for thickness in certain places, but that’s all surface level and I wanted to dig deeper. However, when I thought about some of the qualities of the men I have loved, I realized that many, if not all of them, could probably be found in a man of any race.

However, that very fact – the universality of these attributes – made me choose to write this post. In a society hell-bent on viewing black males as anything other than men, I thought it necessary to capture your humanity. I wanted to explain that you are no different than any man of any other race when it comes to your ability to love, cherish, nurture, and protect. You are not perpetually angry. You are non-threatening, you are peaceful, you are brilliant, you are complex, and you are strong. You are loving, and you are loved.

I wanted to tell a world that its fear of you is unwarranted. I have known you and loved you for a lifetime. There is no place on earth more comfortable than in your arms. And that is why I love you.

Photo courtesy of William Stitt, Unsplash.

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